We all like to pretend that we never poop and never fart, but it just isn’t true. Everyone poops, and the more the better. Taro Gomi will tell you so. So what to do when you’re on campus all day and you really gotta go, but you’re surrounded by so many people who might see/hear/smell? Even worse, people you might know? How will you hide the fact that your body does indeed need to excrete?
Never fear! Here are our favorite places to do the dirty work on campus without alerting the rest of NYU.
Kimmel, first floor: Immediately after walking through the turnstiles to get to the elevators, veer to your left towards a door that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Next to that door is another door. It’s pretty hidden, but there’s a single-stall/single-room bathroom in there with both a lock for the bathroom and a lock for the stall.
It’s by far the best place to poop on campus because there’s double lock protection to make sure no one comes in and no one hears you from outside. Plus, most people don’t know about this bathroom because it’s so hidden, so there’s a small chance that anyone will be waiting on you or that you’ll be waiting on anyone else.
Bobst LL1: These are great because they’re big. The hand dryers are loud enough to cover up any sounds. There’s plenty of stalls to choose from, so no one is waiting on you. And it already smells so foul in here that your dump won’t make it smell any worse. Everyone seems to have already figured these things out though, because it’s disgusting what some people do in here.
Pless Hall, first floor: After walking into the building, continue walking straight. There are single-stall bathrooms adjacent to a backstage dressing room. Performers of either sex often use both bathrooms to change, so there’s no need to go in the bathroom corresponding with your sex/gender. The only thing is that someone might be waiting on you because, well, performers often use these bathrooms to change.
Sosnoff Lounge, in the Kaufman Management Center: The back of the first floor of the Henry Kaufman building includes the Sosnoff Lounge, which is a very chic study space complete with a cafe. Only in Stern, naturally. Outside the lounge are two single bathrooms that are very nice, very clean, and very private.
Vanderbilt Hall: Vanderbilt Hall is a law school building, but you only need to flash your ID at the security guard to get in. March in there with law student swag, take the stairs, and you’ll find men’s and women’s bathrooms on opposite sides of the building. It’s a bit of a maze up there, but you’ll find them. Both bathrooms include many stalls, but we’ve never once encountered another soul in there, so it’s pretty private.
Added bonus: the toilets are environmentally-friendly with flushers that use different amounts of water depending on the solidity of your waste. Pull the handle up if it’s just pee, push down if you pooped.
And the worst place, ever…
Every other floor of Bobst: These bathrooms include two to three stalls for the entire floor, which inevitably means that someone will be in the bathroom, listening to you poop while they wait. Then they will stare/mentally snigger at you as you awkwardly avoid eye contact while walking out. Then, they’ll inevitably pass you while you’re at your desk, mentally sniggering some more. Then, they’ll probably tell the rest of the school that, contrary to popular belief, you don’t poop rainbows and butterflies. Yes, we dread this too. So go poop elsewhere.
